Convolution of Confused thoughts...

The light of darkness

2009-07-24T11:52:00.000-07:00

I have not written in long time! Now if I look back, it's hard to even guess what kept me away.
During the period I travelled, made a life changing decision, and pretty much slept over everything else. It was most definitely a period of hibernation, but a constant silence kept me awake. The in-

avertable sounds of silence, intermittently kept calling me, yet my body didn't respond. Soon I was in the outer space, where darkness was the only source of light. Once clarion, the calls of silence began

to fade. My mind was slowly dissolving into the darkness. I felt, the cosmic forces were slicing through my brain, iota by iota. Analyzing every bit of information I had, and then… erasing it!

Leaving the light of darkness blazing my eyes!

The Old Man

2008-07-30T01:20:00.000-07:00

Usually it takes me 45 minutes to drive office, but today it was taking longer. I didn't get lucky in any of the traffic signals. There were occasions, when I had to wait for two cycles of trafficking before I could leave the signal. Apprehensive about not being able to make it to the first meeting, I was honking my way out. I was twisting and turning through the vehicles, and definitely showed some skills of a typical cabbie at Bangalore.

I was quite close to the office now, and hopes started coming back that I wont be late for the meeting, but then, I had to wait again for some of the pedestrians to cross. My right foot was on the acceleratior, so that I could push as soon as the last person goes out of sight, but it was taking longer. I used the only weapon I had, I honked. Then I saw, it was a old man who was walking. Slow and shaky steps. I was surprised he didn't have a walking stick to support him. There was no one to take him to the other end of the roads, and to add to his malady, I honked. He didn't even look at me, may be he didn't have the energy enough to turn his head.

This incident forced me to think, do we forget few basic things in life in our busy schedule? Do we give enough respect to people who probably were as fast and ambitious as we are now, the elder generation? Do we care about someone's pain? Do we ever look back and see if there is a friend left behind? Are we really taking care of our familes the right way?

I am not sure....

666

2006-06-06T01:55:00.000-07:00

Saw an interesting article ... Something about my name ??

http://www.ibnlive.com/news/666-beware-todays-the-day/12343-13.html

Licence to Kill

2006-05-29T10:23:00.000-07:00

Last Tuesday the hidden shame in me won the battle with my laziness and forced me to appear for the driving test for the Learner's licence taken 3 months back. It is also not for public information that the Driving classes were taken 1 month even before that, a few of which I took the liberty of bunking just to keep alive the college heritage. However, like those brave warriors who don't let their lack of practice let their moral down, I put my boots and shot off for it.
Prelude: Its not that I never had a Licence, I got my two wheeler license two years back and it enjoyed the stay in my pocket for precisely for a month or so, and as great a man I am I never kept a copy of it anywhere in the space! So had to apply for a two-wheeler licence also along with the LMV.
Soon I stopped my bike at my agent's office and he began his qs. as soon as he recognized my face.
Agent: Saar, when did you get this Learners Licence?Me: Aah! Lemme check the date .... its aah ahh ... oops 3 months back!
Agent: Saar, you paid some Rs. 700 advance todays work will cost you Rs.700 more.Me: Ok! (And it came out more like the qs WHAT???)
Agent: Saar, do you want a booklet or a card saar?(now I know this one, i saw many of my friends flashing their pale yellow Card to cops)Me: There is one that small ID card type thing, right?Agent: yes Saar the Card.Me: ok Get me thatAgent: That will be another Rs.350 saarMe: Woh! Ok ... take this
He then filled some documents and asked me to give it to the Asistant RTO. As I stepped into his office I saw him shouting at people at a roof propping voice for why the candidate's father's name in One document is Lakshmi Narayan and other had Lakshmi Narayan L. I quckly checked my documents to keep myself at a safer side, and soon realised why most of us go through an Agent to get a Licence. The documents had fields which started with a 'N' and rest of it were missing because of a faulty old machine in use, the ones I could actually read, I couldn't get head or tail of. Anyways, I gave the documents to the officer and he accepted them without much Questioning.
Now was the time, I had to attend the tests. The inspector arrived at the site. I must say he was an immensely talented person, who succeeded in shaking and breaking my long carried confidence with mere a look.
The inspector asked my name, and instructed me to ride the Bike first. This was a cake walk. After all I have been riding two wheelers for last 12 years. I started early at around my seventh standard when I once decided to use my fathers scooter as menace to flee away from him, when he was chasing me with a stick for doing just a small mistake of Skipping a Half Yearly test, which my Principal exaggerated and bloated into an issue. However my attempts failed when the scooter decided to take off like a plane rather than the simple un-harmonic straight motion, only to land in a drain nearby with me being the carrier of the scooter now. I also have this long experience sneaking away from cops through the small streets where the kids particularly had fun in throwing stones on me and dogs taking a few bites of my pants.
I took the bike and rode as instructed by the instructor. Now it was the time of the Car, they were allowing two people at a time and a helper and the instructor, instructor and one candidate sitting being, and the driver and the helper in the front. Soon my turn came and I took the wheels. Just before entering I got a glimpse of that look again. Now all my fellow applicants had already instructed me, "whatever you do, don't shut down the car", and I took their words and gradually pressed the accelerator even before releasing the clutch, and it created a huge sound before departing. Now the sound, the looks all contributed to my feeling that I cant do this, I trusted the steering more than my own handling and almost let the steering go, which fortunately for me took the direction named straight (Remember the simple un-harmoning straight motion), however soon a turn came, and it neither my pal steering knew nor me, the car uncle was confused aswel and he showed his concern with some unhappy movements, somehow my hands took all of us through the turn. As i was relieved with the straight position held by Car uncle, the instructor planned a new conspiracy against me. "Reverse the Car".
Me: I am sorry?Him: Take it Back!Me: Ok
I put the car on reverse gear and as I looked back to see the position of the Car, I looked straight at the face of the inspector, and at this time even the traces of Confidence in me said a Good Bye. Car uncle took several random motions before, the helper applied the brake.
Soon I came out, and they asked me go to another official, where I had to sign, he was also taking Rs.100 from everyone. When I went to sign, he said "Rs.200 saar".
Me: Why? I saw Everyone giving Rs.100
He came close to me, and whispered in my ears, "Saar usually at your driving we reject the licence, but we are making some adjustment here". I gave Rs.200 and came back home.

Finally I got it ..... So here we go........

Change

2006-02-09T00:04:00.000-08:00

Well things change, but not always for good, hope this one comes with something good. So here are some changes for you. Those who complained they were not happy reading the blogs as they didn’t get the opportunity to objurgate my writing and humiliate it in public .... the comments, so now there is an option for commenting (Aah! Dare not to give a positive comment. Anyone found guilty of doing so can be assured that s/he will get similar moral deprecating remark in his/her blog too, thanks to people who read me. If s/he doesn't blog they can expect worser). The sitebar in the right will show you how many others had the same pleasure. I will soon come up with some links where you will get better things to read.

A Disclaimer to tell you if I copy, you can shoot me. :)

Stay tuned!

Meanwhile enjoy this ad

Ek baar Phir Se .... Rang De Basanti

2006-02-01T22:37:00.000-08:00

The Post below is Author's own point of view

Usually I refrain from talking about Movies, for I have stopped watching them long back, for I lost faith on them, for I was sick of watching guy-and-girl-falling-in-love-and-their-parents-have-family-rivalry movies, for I was sick of movies picked up from famous foreign movies and presented in a daytime assassinated form.

However I felt Rand De Basanti deserved a different attention. Its not just a movie which doesn’t fall in the above categories, it has more to it.

I have always observed a fact, each one of us has a hidden patriot inside us. On an usual day we eat, we sleep, we work and we crib about our country. However, when someone disgraces us we spring back to defend .. the Pride that we bear within.

The movie can sure stir up your soul to bring out that Child-of-the-Nation in you. A conceptualization which can sure make you say .... Rang De Basanti ...

The movie starts with a London based film maker whose grandfather served the British Govt. in India during British Reign wanting to make a movie on Indian freedom fighters. Beginning with fun moments among few friends from Delhi University and an Airforce Fighter Pilot, who just as any other college students enjoy the fun life are however worried about the future responsibilities and life which is waiting for them outside Campus. These people as usual hates the existing conditions of the country and hence don’t care where the country is heading. Some of them as usual wants to get out here.

Their transformation happens with the making of the movie, and then one incidence that changes their entire perspective!

Some argue the steps taken in the movie could have been non-extremist. However they justify well in the move, there has to be something differently done to come out of the current situation.

Music would usually make more sense if you could relate them with something, the movie presents and excellent platform for that. It never felt unnecessary, it slowly came with a sweet sound of melody in the background and let u enjoy the fine moments.

Its not an Oscar movie, as it demands a strong grip on the History of freedom fighting in India. However every Indian will be able to relate themselves to it .. Heart to Heart

My Take : Must Watch

Go here for the Official Site

PS: Pictures were taken from the official site and here.

An Eventful Weekend

2005-10-11T03:34:00.000-07:00

A fine Saturday Night

8:30 PM :-
The Author was preparing for a highly demanding test the next day with an ambitious attitude, and suddenly then author's mobile rang
Caller(Subject): You don’t care for me anymore
Author: What on Earth! Its not so. What makes you think that?
Subject: Yes it is!
And then the subject explains a lot of things which the Author used to do earlier and he doesn’t anymore.
Author: No Dear its not so! I am a bit busy, that’s all! You know right I am preparing test?
Subject: Earlier also you were busy, but I never felt this way!
Author tries to be the conversationalist and tries to handle the situation with Diplomatic explanations to bring the matter to peace. However, the Subject continues at her stand. And then ....
Author: IT IS NOT SO...... ^%$#&%$&#%$*&#*$$#*^$#
Subject: Boooooooohuhuhuh

Subject hangs up the phone.

Victim sends few messages of apology, No response !!! Tries to call again and again No response.

8:50 PM: Author calls up a friend .... What time is next flight to Chennai?
Reply: "No Idea"

Now the Author runs out, gets a Telephone Directory from a nearby phone booth.

9:00 PM: Author calls the Airport
Author: "Any ticket available to Chennai NOW?"
Attendant: "Yes Sir"
Author: "What is the fare"
Attendant: "Rs. 3980"

Author shocked, but prefers to be silent, he has no choice anyway

9:30 PM: Reached Airport. Asks another Airlines. Booked Ticket..... Cheaper! (But still ends up elevating credit card bill by an eyebrow raising amount)

10:10 PM: Flight took off.

Pilot announces the flight will take 35 mins to reach, which means the Author has exactly 35 mins to prepare a speech to make ends meet!

11:00 PM: Landed at Chennai
Buys gifts (More money)
Took an auto to her home....(still more money)
11:45 PM: The Author reached her home. Subject comes out. First few moments .... No Response .... Author tries to say something! Fails! Tries again!

Finally a smile ......... Phew!

PS: The names of the involved people have been changed to protect the Author from possible manhandling

Science of Dentistry

2005-10-04T03:29:00.000-07:00

Surgeon 1: WHAT! These are your Milk teeth … Where are your Permanent teeth
Me: errr ….. How would I know [with a big grin]
Surgeon 1: Its NOT Funny!
Me: :-(
Surgeon 1: I will extract both of them
Me: Ok [As if he just asked me my world]

Surgeon 1 …. Takes out a lot of tools most of them are straight from Frankenstein … Opens my mouth with as many tools as the number of teeth I have!

And Finally, AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!

Surgeon 1: See you next Sunday, we will need three surgeons to fix ur dentures
Me: Umm Ummh [Stuffed with Cotton], but my eyes were wide enough to express my feelings

Sunday ….
Surgeon 2: I am an Orthodontist ….
Me: Thanks for informing me …. I am a S/W Engineer
Surgeon 2: That’s immaterial to me. I will have to Correct the alignment of your Teeth
Me: Ok. Why would I need that? I have got all of them inside the mouth. Nothing attached to the face [another big grin]
Surgeon 2 … Did not respond … this guy was serious as a stone
Surgeon 2: You need to get a 3-D x-ray, I will see you next Sunday
Me: [And I thought x-rays are 2-D]

Very soon went to the x-ray room, I was put inside a machine, I felt like I am analysing the anatomy of a Robot. Soon something rotated around my head
X-ray guy: Done Sir…

Sunday again…

Reached his clinic at 10.

Soon, "Come In", I gave the "3-D" x-ray to him

Surgeon 2: Looking at the x-ray we have 50-50 chances of fixing ur teeth
Me: Keeps Quite …. [Great! Now you are telling me this]
Surgeon 2: Lie Down!
Me soon followed the instructions …
Surgeon 2: Sheela [assistant], we need a mouth impression
Me: Quite again … [Don’t tell me you are making a Duplicate mouth for me]

Assistant soon comes with a pink paste, which she forces into my mouth with the help of metal spoons!!!! I was now mouth full of I don’t know what and something that tasted like stale food !

Thank God ! She removed it before I actually puked!

Surgeon 2: Lie down
Puts a plastic frame in my mouth which opened my mouth wide enough for two jet planes to pass by simultaneously. He kept doing something in my mouth for sometime, which I was least interested in, all I was waiting for was that frame to be removed!!

After half an hour …
Surgeon 2: I have fixed some attachment in your mouth
Me: (Still with the frame in) … ummmmm ummmm
He removes the frame and says …

Surgeon 2: You can now have a look at the mirror
Me soon screamed: BRACES !!!!!!!
Surgeon 2: Yeah that’s the only tool we Orthodontists have!!!
Me: Yeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaak!!!!

Finally had no choice, returned back home ….. Great now I look like Frankenstein myself !!!!

Surgeon 3 …. Yet to see him … will see him in the next appointment ... will update you with it

A Public Note

2005-08-09T05:32:00.000-07:00

This is a public note in response to the comments issued by Mr. Javed Akhtar. Talking over an issue of a woman being raped by her father in law claims, "Assamese women are known for frequently changing husbands and can be purchased in any city of the country."

http://www.newkerala.com/news.php?action=fullnews&id=11092
http://www.nowrunning.com/news/news.asp?it=3872
http://www.newkerala.com/news.php?action=fullnews&id=11462
http://www.chennaionline.com/colnews/newsitem.asp?NEWSID=%7BFD82EDF3-5198-48F8-A0B3-753C9C86D583%7D&CATEGORYNAME=National

A self proclaimed member of "sensible right-thinking Indian's voice". My question to him is, was there any right knowledge behind the thoughts. Is Mr. Akhtar aware of the ethos and practices of Assam or for that matter any part of North-eastern states? A majority of Assam’s population is Hindu, and if Mr. Akhtar is agnostic about the fact that polygamy is banned as per Hindu Marriage Act, 1955, hopes now he will receive some cognizance. Now that was about Hindu act, what about Muslims? Does the Muslim Nikah Nama permit polyandrous relationship, even after the recent changes being brought? Is it even pragmatic to think it is possible in the current male chauvinist society? I would leave the question open as Mr. Akhtar has the "right-thinking". But I believe he will be able to derive, a common person, under a definite reach of law cannot practice any such thing.

Now that was about laws and legal acts, what if it happens illegally? The point is if it is possible at Assam, isn't it equally possible anywhere else in the Country? But how often it happens? I would just like to ask everyone, how many such incidences we have heard of in our life. However, if such an incident occurs, it will be equally reprobated by an Assamese society as by any other part of India.

Now coming to the point where he said, "Assamese women can be purchased in any part of the Country". I cannot deny the fact that there have been a few recent incidences where it has been uncovered that, some women from Assam were transported to a few areas in Northern India in lieu of money. The local people of those areas assert that they cannot afford to marry women from the same community because of the pecuniary factors involved. In fact the roots of such girls were not only found in Assam but it also extends to Bihar and west Bengal. The possibilities of such transactions purely for sexual purposes cannot be denied as well. However, a closer look at the issue will reveal that most of such families, who were involved, were living a life far below the poverty level. Also the core areas involved were the most affected areas of illegal immigration. The stories of a few families say, they migrated to the India in search of a means of living, but their conditions never improved. This issue is in fact not only a matter Assam but of National Concern, we know the areas where prostitution is most in practice. Trading of humans for a malicious purpose is certainly not permissible. Coming back to the point, the cognizant people of India would appreciate; the involved families certainly don’t represent the entire Assamese Community.

He clarifies by saying, "To the best of my recollection, all I said was that while a niece can marry her uncle in certain communities in the South, in Punjab such a practice would amount to incest. Similarly, women in certain societies in the Northeast can marry more than once, which isn't the case elsewhere." Even if he has said this, I would request him to come forward and identify the communities he was referring to. Probably, he would enlighten some of us.

http://www.hindustantimes.com/2005/Aug/01/5922_1448236,0015002100000000.htm

Mr. Akhtar claims this is an effort of BJP to malign him. No Mr. Akhtar, your efforts to shadow the matter with a political and communal smoke would not help. This not a political issue, this is a matter of you talking about a community, which you have least competency to speak about. There is an old saying, "if you don’t know something, at least don't speak prove you it". You are not only guilty to the Women Community you are also condemnable under Humanity. If you know what you said, you better come forward and explain or else you owe a mass apology.

The Little Patriotic Girl

2005-07-27T03:58:00.000-07:00

Based on a true story, but a few Characters are Fictitious

It has been long being in the Profession of press and printing, now when I look back I feels nostalgic of the Childhood days. One of me earliest memories of childhood goes back to the Days when I was in my junior school.

London, I don't remember the time exactly, but it was definitely a cold day. My mom was getting me dressed for the School, I was dressed in a wool blend trouser and a Blazer. I wasn't fitting to the Blazer properly, as usual it was one of my brothers left out ones. Soon my father took my hand and we headed towards the School.

It was a misty day, I could see partly wet benches by the road sides, cars with wipers on and people wearing long over coats and carrying Umbrella. Pretty much a typical London weather. As when we moved ahead I looked back, and I saw Shik coming with her father. Alas! I don’t remember her real name but that is how we used to call her. She was my classmate and the only Indian in the School other than me. This also made us friends. I slowed down to catch up with her, but my father kept going with the same pace, and this pulled my hand, and I had to keep going with my father, I just could keep look behind and she would give me a smile once in a while.

We reached School, and my father departed after leaving me at the gate. She arrived too and we both went inside the school. My school was constructed years back, and the architecture strongly suggests that. We had fountain in front of the main building with statues in the middle of it, Old French style pillars. We had a huge Church inside, and it had a French touch too in its architecture.

Soon the assembly bell rang and we all headed towards the Church for Morning prayers, I remember everyday Father John used to read a few passages from a book for us. As everyday we started the prayers, and soon after it he picked up a book for us.

"Ok Children, today we will talk about a citi in India called Calcutta. Calcutta is an Old and Dirty city at the Eastern part of India. ............"

After the assembly was dispersed, we all went back to our Classes. After a few routine lectures, we were all called for Games Period. We were all heading towards the Ground, but I saw Shik still sitting at her seat. When I came back from the Ground, she was still there, sitting at her seat with both her hands on the Cheek and under some deep contemplation.

I saw her the same way for quite a few times in the next few days, I heard a lot of our fellow students talking about her being a loner. I tried asking her once but She continued to be silent. May be with that level of maturity I didn’t know how to handle the situation, and I continued to be my own way.

One evening, Shik's father came to our house. I heard him talking to my father, "Dr. Sharma today I received a letter from Father John, he says my daughter is not participating in any of the school activities. I asked her but she is keeping silence. I thought may be your son can tell us something."

My father called me, they asked me about it, all I could tell them was that She keeps silent in the school and doesn't talk or play with anybody.

My father said, "may be if we all talk to her she will tell us something". My father took me to their house, and they started talking to her. "Tell me dear, do you have any problem? Did anybody tell you something?".

After a number of repeated attempts, she uttered with a mild voice, "Father John says Calcutta is a Dirty City, how can I hear something about my country?".

This left a stun at everyone’s face.

Next day I saw her father walking into Father John's office. I minded my business and walked towarsd the class. As usual the assembly bell rang in some time and we walked into the Church. After the prayers, father came to the podium.

"Children I would like to ask apology from one among you. I hurt one among you a few days ago. I said 'Calcutta is an old and dirty city', and because of which one among you was sad and dejected, She became silent, but we didn't bother to know what happened to her, on the other hand we accused her of not being friendly. Children this tells us that we should learn to respect every country and every race."

He then called her to the stage, and gave her a few books and an envelope.

As we were moving to the class she showed me the books and the envelope. The envelope read, "A letter to a Little Patriotic girl".

A few years later she went back to India with her parents. We never met again.

Recently, I got a letter from my friend, "Father John expired, assemble at the school to pay tribute to him".

Father John was now a respectable person among a larger community, he left teaching long back but he continued to be a loved one of the people. At the funeral, the Mayor said, we should publish some of the writing of Father John, so that he continues to enlighten us beyond the boundaries of time.

Some of His writings and Diaries came to us, I was looking through a diary, one of the pages read,

"A Letter to a Little Patriotic girl"....

Never Step out of your Domain

2005-06-30T05:01:00.000-07:00

Different things happen in your life, some in which you take pleasure and some in which others! Those who know me wouldn’t have taken long to realise something of the second type always happens to me and those of you who don’t, would believe it soon.

Not long back ! On a fine day I walked into this Girls College! Why? I had my part time classes [now don’t ask me why I joined it, I don’t have the answer, and even if I did I would have sounded dazed]. We were given the pleasure to walk in without giving much of explanation to the Security !!! Infact this is the first time I was seeing a Girls College. Being, weekend there were very few 'distractions' there, though there were some, I am not exactly sure what they were doing there, probably they had some classes too. The quantity was large enough for us to get distracted, and small enough for us not to go unnoticed gazing them. Sigh !

Soon I finished one lecture looking out of the windows and wondering what am I doing here !

"Ok Class! Break! We'll meet again in 10 mins."

Now I went out, did some usual stuffs like took some water, chatted with friends and blackguarded the classes! It was when there were only two mins left for the next class to begin, I realised I needed to see the rest room.

"Excuse me Guys! I will join you soon."

I went out to search for the place. Looked around the entire ground floor, I could see the only one rest room and it read "Ladies Toilet". Quickly rushed to the first floor only to be disappointed! Reached gasping and panting to the second floor, my last hope ! After looking through it, "Jesus Christ! Where is the goddamn rest room", I exclaimed! I was perplexed! Now it didn’t take me long to realise I am in deep problem, "Its a girls college" !!! Now what do I do now?

Tried checking the floors again, if anything is missed while coming down ! Only to realise I can't hold it any longer! and the damn glass of water I took was making it worser ! Checked my watch, already late !! Fighting with my conscience I decided to do it at a open area, quickly rushed to a tree and found its in direct view of the Hostel ! Came back!

Now problem was getting heavier! Logical thinking quickly gave me a solution, what would the male faculties do? They need a place too. I looked around, no guys, some girls ! Looked if there were any security, but guess they were enjoying the weekend too.

Finally with all the disinclination decided to ask some girl! No one was alone, all in groups, and there wouldn't anything more embarrassing! Just then ! Aaah! I saw a girl walking down the stairs, alone ! My savior!

"Excuse me! I am sorry to ask this, but where is the Men's rest room?"

"Are you Kidding!? There aren't any, this is a girls college"

"Yeah! But where do the faculties go? There must be something"

"Yeah it might be near Teachers Offices, go right then take the first left!"

"Thanks a lot!"

I followed her words, and there was some guard standing near the teachers offices. He stopped me! I explained him my ordeal, he was kind enough to allow me!

At last! Peace.

Reached the class 15 mins late.

"What made you late!"

Preferred not to talk about it!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now laugh ! Laugh until your diaphragm pop out as a balloon ! :-(

Guess the title proves true, "Never step out of your Domain"

Time to Wake Up the Deads!

2005-05-27T02:32:00.000-07:00

Long back I used to write, and not that everyone hated it, though majority did some were generous enough to resist the instincts of commenting on it. Inspite of the discouragements, I kept going, like a brave warrior. But finally to the prayers of all those souls who wanted the demise of this "self proclaimed writer", I stopped writing. Not that their rants were melting my heart, but I was the lone warrior you see, and atlast had to surrender to the majority.

But few days back, one of my friend came to me and pleaded, why don’t you start writing again? Atleast you would do some good to the people who don't want to hear your deadening talks all the day. Well yes she was my colleague, She also calls me terrorist sometimes, may be because I look like one or it might be the reason that I am a terror to them. But its kind of her to let me do it, yes writing.

Since the day I have been trying to find something to write on, poem? [Hey NOT AGAIN !!! They exclaimed], Hmm Let me see a story, [GOSH!]. Ok I got it, then how about me writing on some serious topic, some political affair, some social issue , something that would enlighten people [Oh Yeah!! Do you really think you have the competency to do it?]. Contemplation, still on.

Stay Tuned!!!

Blind Folded

2004-10-13T06:24:00.000-07:00

When the god Cursed me,
Spelled the darkness over me,
Made me blind,
So that I cant see,
Feel the blanket of cold over me,
In the middle of the death,
That ought to be,
Silence Chilling my marrow,
Horror echoing inside my brain,
The cells, scaling,
The blood burning,
The dreams of those dead meat,
Necrophilliacs creeping into me,
And I can see,
I can feel the tissues shreading,
The screams that dont come out

Angel

2004-08-28T08:14:00.000-07:00

I was sleeping,
The day you walked into my life,
and it took me ages, to realise,
I have you within

You opened me inside out,
Took my hand,
And showed me around
Held my hands when I was drowning,
I had a world of my own,
Unknown,
Untamed despair,
Undue maladies,
Unnoticed tears,
and the million unwarranted fears

And my angel you have become,
The need of my breathe,
The reason to elate,
And the needs,
I can't explain

Now you are leaving,
All by my own,
To fight this world,
And I can't do it alone,
Look at this world, with the frown,
They would kill me, the day you are gone,
I don't know how to stand,
Without you, holding my hand,
I don't know how to live,
Without you by my side,
I don't how to breathe,
Without you around

I'm breaking down,
I'm drowning into my tears again,
I'm losing my faith again,
I'm living this disguise,
Disgraced, defeated,
With my you so away,
Can't you see this pain is killing me,
Can't you hold my hand again?

An age old moot

2004-07-30T07:41:00.000-07:00

Yes Again !!! Yet another altercation. The topic wasn't new, so were not the consequences. Everything seemed to be plotted. Well, it was a deja vu. Here we go.

Evening, romantic weather. Me and her in an open air restaurant, cool breeze taking away the exhaustion of the hectic day. We are sitting in a two seater table, a flower vase with a rose placed in between.

Me : Well dear, we've been in this profession for more than a year now. We earn the same amount of money. How come you saved 60 % of the money you earned, and I couldn't save even a penny.

Her: You guys spend excessively, you'll never learn to manage money.

Me : Hey wait! Its not about money management, its just that the money ain't sufficient, I just spend for the basic needs.

Her: You spend so much money on your show offs.

Me : Show Offs !? No way! It’s always for necessity. I don't spend the money only on myself.

Her (Raised Eyebrows) : Then, whom do you spend on, other than yourself ?

Me (Realising, things are going hotter, and with a diplomatic tone) : No dear, I didn't mean that. I said I just don’t keep spending on myself. Ok tell me when you felt I was over spending.

Her : What about those extra fittings you got for your Bike ? Were they needed?

Me (With a smile, kinda gotcha feeling) : Well dear, I'm not reach enough to buy an imported bike, everybody rides these home made bikes. I wanted to make my bike look different.

Her (Still not calm enough): Still you could have lived withtout them. What about those nike shoes you bought for 3 grands ?

Me : Hey I got a Hugo perfume for you for the same price.

Her: Who asked for it ? I never ask you for presents?

Me : But, you were so happy to see it. I wanted to make you happy. (Some, "oh yeah!!? I didn’t feel that when you saw that thing" kinda attitude).

Her: I was happy because it was a token of love. Even a flower as a token of love would make me happy. Girls don't need money to get impressed. Girls want loving, caring and understanding guys. They need someone who can bring their mood up when they feeling doomed. They don’t need gifts to bring their mood up.

Me (I philosophy too) : Hey do you know what guys want? Do you know why they spend the money ? Once a guy falls in love with a girl, there is no looking back he can do anything for the girl and trust me when a guy in love says he can do anything. He can actually do anything to make the girl happy. Guys never value money so much, what matters to them is the happiness of the girl, so they never hesitate to spend the money.

Her: But you can spend in a controlled manner.

Me : Yes we control. If you call compromising with the food quality just for the sake of money, sorry I cannot do that.

Her: When did you see me doing that ?

Me : Remember that day you were eating “pav bhaji” at the road side ? You could have well gone to some famous Chat centers. All you deeded to do is spend some extra money.

Her: Ok Fine ! You would never listen to me. You are right, I'm wrong. Do whatever you want.

Now I realised I screwed it all up ... After a long pause...

Me : Sorry Dear, I didn't mean to hurt you.

Her: You always say that. I'm leaving.

The romantic weather, no longer was romantic enough.

Me : Hey wait! I'll drop you at home.

Her: No need. I'll go by city bus.

Me : Hey, don’t be a kid now. The buses will be crowded. Its late too. C'mon I'll drop you.

She silently took the back seat. On the way to home, I kept planning what to say to pacify her. Her home arrived, she got down and left. No bye, she didn’t even look back. Thinking I would disturb the house owners in the ground floor, with a feeble voice I said, "hey c'mon, don’t feel bad, I can explain.".

I could see she was inside the room now, she was coming towards the window. Thank you god! She is atleast prepared to listen, this was my chance. I was only beginning to say something, "Hey......". Thud!! Windows shut.

My last and the final option the mobile. I gave her ring. A number of "Call Cancelled" messages. I tried sending some "sorry" picture messages with. Tried ringing again, and Eventually, "The mobile number you are trying is currently switched off".

I kept on waiting beneath the window, hoping she'll open it .... For hours...

Yeah laugh!!! Giggle hysterically to my irony. Come with your entire jape. Let the world know I’m a loser. Indeed! woman is the most complex creation of God.

Sweet Embrace

2004-07-26T07:44:00.000-07:00

We over the phone...

Her: DO NOT TALK TO ME.
Me: But, listen dear, what happened ?
Her: I don't want to listen to anything.
Me: Hey, c'mon dear, tell me what happened.
Her: Please let me be alone for some time. I'll come back to you when I'm ok. But for some time let me be alone.
Me: Ok dear. Take care. I'll be waiting for you.

15 Mins later ......

Message pops up on my screen....

Her: Hey why ain't you talking to me?
Me: But dear you said you need some time alone.
Her: Yes I did. But that doesnt mean you go away from me. You are supposed to hold me when I'm down.
Me:

Remembrance

2004-07-20T07:47:00.000-07:00

Well fellas, was quite busy, so couldn't post anything. Darn professional obligations. Well here is what happened recently.

Her: Dear, you are so away I miss you.

Me : Yeah! I miss you too.

Her: Hey, I'll suggest you a few songs, that would reflect my condition.

Me : Ok!

Her: Listen to Bagban's, "Main yahaan tu wahaan"

Me : Sure, in some time, Just hooked up in some work

Her: Ok!

An hour later....

Her: What are you listening to now?

Me : I'm listening to Iron Maiden, "Bring your Daughter to Slaughter". Excellent song!!!

An hour more of silence ..

Her: What are you listening to now?

Me : I'm listening to G 'n' R. "I used to love her, But I had to kill her"

The silence is still continuing.....

Slewed Roads

2004-07-08T07:46:00.000-07:00

April, this year. I went home. I was with my parents after a years spell. In a few days my Mom suggested I should see my Aunt, who lives the next town, a hour of journey away.

Next day early morning, I was forced to leave home. I boarded a bus and was waiting for it to start moving. I was sitting on a two seater seat, the seat next to me was un-occupied. It was only when I was about to burst out of despair, that when will the bus start, I saw a face, a familiar one. It didn't take long to notice, it was Priya. My school mate, we go long back, we were in the same class since the first standard. She noticed me, expression were same as mine, astonished. I got up and offered her the window seat next to me. She agreed with a short smile. Till now we didn't utter a word to each other.

Me: Hi!
Priya: Hi! How are you?

The bus left the depot now. I was happy to see her, but was unable to start a discussion. Good she asked that question.

Me: I'm fine. Hey do you realise, its been seven years since we met each other. I'm so happy to see you.
Priya: I never realised, I lived seven years after school.

I was kind of surprised with her answer. Unable to perceive, I began a new discussion.

Me: Hey someone told me you married. Is it true?
Priya: Yes I did.

Me: Hey I'm so happy to hear that. When did it exactly happen?
Priya: A year after you all left.

Me: Oh! But you joined graduation.
Priya: My parents insisted on marriage. They couldn't afford my studies.

Me: Yeah! Usually parents get extra cautious about girls. Hey tell me what does he do?
With am astonished look, she stared at me.

Priya: He was a physiotherapist in a Hospital.
Me: "Was", What do you mean?

Priya: He left Sam.
Me: Left? What do you mean dear.

Priya: I lost him in an accident last year.

This is only then I realised, sometimes life leaves you in a state where you are not left with any words. Absolutely, stoned. Seeing my reaction, she started.

Priya: What happened Sam?
Me: I'm not sure what to say Priya. I have no words.

Priya: Don't worry. I'm fine. I've been living this for a year.
Me: Oh Dear! I'm so sorry.

Priya: Don't be. He left a daughter to take care of me. She is my support. She is three years old now.

There was a long pause. This is only now I noticed she was in a white saree. She was looking out of the window. I thought silence should be broken.

Me: What are you doing now ?
Priya: I'm working as a ward girl in the same Hospital.

My eyes were wet now. She deserved something better. In my heart I was asking the same helpless question, why does god gives so much pain to people.

Me: Didn't you try to find some other work.
Priya: I could I possibly get? I'm not even a graduate.

Me: Are you going to work now ?
Priya: No I'm on leave today.

We reached our destination. When we got down, I was not sure I should say a bye to her or should be with her for some time. I noticed she was holding a small packed, something wrapped in a news paper.

Me: What is that?
Priya: Oh! This is a food for my daughter. She is in hospital.

Me: What happened to her?
Priya: Pneumonia! She has been in hospital for a week now. Doctors say, lets hope for the best. Hope she eats something today.

I could not utter a word. All I could do was to look at her, and wonder how She is managing to live. One she calls her support in in the mercy of the God.

Priya: Ok Sam. I must hurry, there is no one to take care of her there.

In the oblivion, I could hardly wish her a bye.

I remember, She was the most juvenile person in our class. She was Miss. Popular. I never met a man who disliked her. He was famous for her witty ideas, a sense of humor, which always left us in a burst of laughter. Now she could hardly smile, when I said, "Bye take care".

She was our Apple of eye, She was always there to hold us when we were down. She cared for us as if we were her kids. Thoughts so matured, so cozy. Now, there is no one around to hold her.

Then, I realised, I should have gone with her to the Hospital. Looked around for her. She was lost in the crowd.

Living on a Smile

2004-07-07T07:45:00.000-07:00

Living on a smile of yours,
Trying to unbelive I'm in pain,

Wish I could live your way,
Denying the truth I'm not dead

Doesn’t make a difference anymore,
Life or death, I live like a dead

Emotions! Lost in the shadows,
I don't moan and cry anymore,

Smothered with you being too far,
My heart is turning darker every day

The expression I wear on my face,
Is for that your smile doesn’t go away,

Don't expect me to be sane for long,
I won't disappear anyway,

Oh ........ Why can't I run away .....

Irony of a Marionette

2004-07-01T07:43:00.000-07:00

My story was written without any villains, still its haunts me, it is to make everyone happy other than me. that’s what they call Tragic Comedy !!! I'm to be subjected to the mockery, so that others can giggle. Clown is what I am !!

I'm supposed to pacify their pain , I'm the serenade that tranquil the mind to forget sorrows !!! That’s my fate !!!

I have no right to moan. I can't complain of my pain. I need to laugh , be I'm frantic. I need to smile, when inside I'm going lunatic.

Demise of a Chaffy

2004-06-28T07:40:00.000-07:00

I lost ; I lost all my battles. I lost them because I didn’t retaliate or I should say I never wanted to fight , possibly I was not supposed to fight .

Well, I don’t know what happened. But something out there made me put my weapons down. What made me so weak ? I was not this. I was not the person who used to retreat. I always fought my battles with all my energy and courage. Then why are my shoulders down today?

How could something be so strong or I'm weakening. Have I changed ? Am I tired of fighting ? Why am I losing faith in myself ?

Today I feel I wouldn’t try to retaliate my death. I am rather waiting for it. I'm waiting for my demise !!

Scynap Burst

2004-06-28T07:39:00.000-07:00

This is my redemption, the testimony of my fears.

A confession which won’t make me divine, but I know it'll let me rest in peace . It might not lead me to my destination but I might repent for my failures, the ignorance the negligence. May be it would make me capable to stand and fight back.

Sometimes I wonder how much I understand the world. Is everything of it is under light. Do I understand everyone, whom I think I know?

Out of my all these contemplation I've deviated, deviated from what I was, deviated from what I wanted to be, deviated from what I should have been.

Sometimes I wonder how own are my owns? Are they really my own ?

I'm scared , not of the death, but the life. Am I secured in this world? Are all the people whom I trust are really deserve to be trusted ? I'm losing my faith , faith over myself, faith on the people around me. I'm scared of being loved, for it could be only illusion.

The world is just an oasis to keep me away from what I should see, which if seen could give me the truth, a bitter reality, a comprehension that its all fake, the life , the love , the friends !

Am I turning insane ?

Life of Disguise

2004-06-25T07:38:00.000-07:00

I've been dwelling in this dark for ages,
Living in a confusion, living without a cause

The blur vision, is it cry?
Or it’s the illusion you have created around?

The centuries I've spent,
Craving, bleeding, screaming for you,

Still you won’t hear me,
You would leave me to burn,

You just give a look,
With your distorted eyes,

No! I would wake up once,
Now I would stand of my own,

The dreams that turned to nightmare,
My love is the cause of my Pain,

The inexplicable affliction I pertain,
The thoughts that sprain my brain,

Wait for me, I wont be far,
For blood I would return

When Nature Calls

2004-06-18T07:36:00.000-07:00

Friday!! Something unusual broke my sleep, I woke up shaken. My stomach was grunting. Looked at the alarm clock, it had yet to start its opera. Hey!! I woke up early today. All my roomies were dead asleep, except one. He was just back from his night shift. It didn't take me long to perceive, it was an once in a blue moon opportunity for me to egest and shower in peace. Now that doesn't happen very often, for I never wake up this early, and secondly none of my roomies wake up early enough to leave the bathroom free for me to take bath like sultans by the time I wake up.

I quickly arranged my towels, soap, private garments in the racks of the bathroom and jumped over the commode. I couldn't avoid noticing, it was stain free, a sight not so easily seen in my room! With wit, I screamed to ask my roomie (the one I was talking about earlier, he was about to take a nap), "What happened to the stains on the commode ? They were decorating our bathroom for months altogether now". "Well yeah, Yesterday my conscience finally managed to win the battle over our ignorance, the toilet brush finally found some use!". I could sense the disparage in his words. With a guilt in my mind I couldn't even put forward some formal words like, "I was planning to clean it today" or something like that. The remarks would have been, "Oh yeah ?" or "I know !" or something like that. Silence was the only way to save my honor, so I took it.

The stomach was crying harder by now. I had a clean pot hole now. Doesn't it give heavenly pleasure to excrete in a clean environment, specially when you never had to (or didn't bother to) clean it in ages. I started pushing myself, just to realise all my efforts were futile. Now I realised the cause of those grunts. Yes, you got it right, it was constipation. I had enough time today, so I decided to give the load enough time to find the outlet. Alas! I was too complacent, I spent more than a hour but couldn't generate and mass to be flushed down. Some murmuring, began outside now. Thoughts shattered my brains, Are my roomies awake? I tried to put all my energy to win this battle. I could see my face on the mirror fixed in front of me, it was turning red when I force, and pale green when I give it up. Too Late !!! My roomies started banging the door. A voice said, "Hey what the hell are you doing there for so long ? I'm getting late !!", another voice said, "My team has got a meeting with the Manager today". Aah !! "So? You think this ain't important huh ? do you even realise what a mental turmoil I'm going through ?". No! I didnt say that, I couldn't. So the luxury 'hamaam' turned out the be a bachelor's daily bath during the rush hours of the morning on working days. Quickly had to splash some water and vacate.

Still with the soreness in the stomach, I reached my office. Guess what was the first thing I looked at, yes the "Adam's Rest Room", yeah that's the fancy name given to the place we excrete our dirts, here in our office for the gents. Nevertheless, its my favourite place in the office, the only private place in the whole facility. Anyways, I didn't want to go there immediately, just to avoid the embarrassment of giving the fellow employees an impression that I have Loose Motions. Decided to check my mails to take over my desperation. To add to the pain, no one, mind you, no one sent me any forwards or some mails with readable text today. They remember to do it most when you don't need them.

If you believe in god, then you must also believe, God may be unkind at times. Yes ! he can always add to your misery. Why am I saying this ? Well my story didn't finish yet. To make things worser, I found my boss standing in my cabin. An event, which is a clear indication of "You are in deep sh*t". With a smile boss stated, "Hey can you finish the presentation I gave you yesterday, by end of the day ?". I exclaimed, "Today !? But it was scheduled to me on Monday.", "Yeah, but we got a presentation by the later part of the day today", "I don't have much understanding of the requirements, When do you want it ?", "By say evening 4:00 PM", "Evening !?", I exclaimed with my eye lids wide spread. "I can sit a bit late and do it by night 9 O' clock", "No we have the presentation in the evening". Now I realised the sh*t couldn't get any deeper, and this shit stinks more, I had to give the reply he wanted, "Yes! Sure I'll do it". He was the boss not me, I have no rights to complain. I don't have the caliber to differentiate between feasibility and non feasibility.

All day I worked on the presentation without resting my back on the chair. To help myself, all I could do is ignore the feeling that I'm in need to lighten up. When my eyes fell on the board "Adam's Rest Room", I had to pretend to myself that I'm unaware of what it can bring to me, a peace for the whole day.

Just when I was working the presentation, a message popped out on my face saying, "Hey do you remember the plan we made for today ?". Yes ! It was my girl friend. Like any other woman, she remembers all days and dates. Valentines Day, Red rose day, Fathers Day, Mothers Day, Friends Day, Women Day. I wish we had some days meant for gentlemen, "Watch Sports Day", "Leave all men in peace day", "No Gifts Day", "Girls spend the money day". Alas ! the world doesn't always turn out to be the way you want. Coming back to the message what she was referring to was an old commitment I made. We were supposed to be going for a dinner and a Movie. I replied, "I haven't booked the tickets yet, I'm not sure we'll get it". "Don't worry about a thing, my friend will get it for both of us". Now such uninvited well wishers may often turn all your hopes down. All I could say was, "Oh great, we'll have nice time today". Now, I saw one advantage of my boss forcing me to do the presentation by evening. To them forgetting is a crime, and I had committed it.

This is evening now, I receive a call, "Hey dear I'm waiting outside your office with my friends, come soon we'll get late for the movie". I never knew her friends were coming too. Never mind ! I never have the control over it either, there is only one person who makes decision among us, and its her, Always!. My presentation was ready, and the clock read, 6 O' clock. If I forgot to tell you, yeah She was always punctual about movies. I just said, "Just gimme a few mins, I'll be there". Soon passed the presentation, and left the office. If you didn't realise by this time, I have still not it, yes the, "Adam's Rest Room".

It was Dinner time, being a social animal, I always give others the chance to order. So I had to eat the Tanduri chiken, Seekh Kabab, Biriyani, Naan.. blah blah. All these just to to add to my misery, when all I needed was some lime water to soothe my stomach, and its not over yet. I had a whole 3 hours of ordeal to face. An emotional Hindi movie, to tear my nerves apart and popcorns to burst my intestines.

Finally, the three hours of tormenting drama, sweat, blood, tears and songs at a continual intervals with Heroines changing her dress 6 times in a 5 minute song, was over. It was getting late so I had to drop my Girl Friend at her home. Now the things were going out of control. I rushed home with maximum speed I could drive.

Hey wait, my affliction was not over yet. At the home, when I reach, I rushed to the toilet, just to realise that there is no water. "What happened to the water?", I yelled. "Its over, we had to eat out as we couldn't even cook". "Holy Jesus Christ, Why Me ?". I quickly checked the fridge and took out some bottles of water. It was chilled, but then finally something cool to end my day."

Sorry about such a gross topic, but today I realised, the greatest power on earth is the power of nature, and when nature calls, you cannot elude. A lesson learnt with an experience. ;-)